A person’s self-esteem is an important factor affecting their way of life and well-being. With good self-esteem, they do positive things for themselves and are not afraid to do what they want to do. They are not afraid to approach others, nor to say both yes and no to things. With poor self-esteem, one may, on the contrary, avoid doing the things that deep down, one wants to do. One may also do things that do not feel right, more to please others than to please oneself.
Self-esteem and self-confidence are not the same
The terms self-esteem and self-confidence are sometimes confused, although they do not quite mean the same thing. Self-confidence has to do with achievement and how well one believes one can achieve or manage things. Self-esteem has to do with how one sees oneself fundamentally, taking into account strengths and weaknesses. If a person has good self-esteem, that person is not easily affected by others’ opinions and can easily be themselves in various situations. It is okay not to be liked or appreciated by everybody and not to be the best at things. A person with poor self-esteem may, on the other hand, get deeply affected and hurt by, for example, comments on his or her appearance.
Self-esteem and power
A person’s self-esteem is related to the amount of power and influence they have over their own life. If one feels one can make individual decisions and influence one’s own life, good self-esteem is easier to come by. On the other hand, if one feels one has limited power, self-esteem may decrease. For example, one may feel more or less powerless to affect one’s situation if one has been looking for a job for a while without success, or if living with people who in different ways limit one’s freedom.
Signs of good self-esteem
Self-esteem may be stronger and weaker throughout different times in one’s life and it can also be stronger or weaker in different situations. Signs of good self-esteem may include:
- feeling “good enough” even though one does not excel at everything and even if one does not look like a model
- feeling that one has a right to integrity, to be recogniszed, listened to and respected
- not being afraid to speak one’s mind
- accepting that one is sometimes not liked by everybody
- feeling that it is okay to say both yes and no to things
- being able to ask for help when needed
- feeling that one is worthy of well-being, through taking care of oneself and doing fulfilling things
- not being afraid to try new things
- not being afraid to fail
- being comfortable with approaching others
- being comfortable with both praising and criticising others
- daring to be oneself
- daring to stand up for one’s actions
- daring to admit to failures and to ask for forgiveness if one has hurt somebody else
- feeling that one does the best one can
- being able to praise and reward oneself
Signs of poor self-esteem
If one has poor self-esteem, signs may include:
- feeling bad about oneself, having a poor sense of self-worth
- doing things that are not good for oneself
- avoiding spending time with others
- avoiding participating in activities and trying new things
trying to oblige friends and partners at one’s own expense
- avoiding demanding recognition and space in different situations
- often feeling jealous and envious of others
- being devastated if one fails at something
Poor self-esteem can also lead to a person being violent or excluding, bullying or being mean to others. It can also lead to a person trying to conceal his or her poor self-esteem by trying to excel at everything or by bragging.
Where does poor self-esteem come from?
There are many reasons for poor self-esteem. Everybody needs to feel appreciated, recognised and respected simply for who they are. Self-esteem is easily weakened if a person is often told during his or her up-bringing that he or she is not good enough, is worthless or a nuisance. At the same time, a person who has mainly received praise and approval when he or she has achieved something, for example in sports or in an exam, may feel that his or her self-worth is dependent on achievement, instead of inner qualities. Self-esteem is also negatively affected if one does not get enough recognition and attention during up-bringing. For example if parents or guardians are away from home a lot, if they are ill, abuse drugs or alcohol or do not make enough room for their children in their lives.
The feeling of self-worth is affected by circumstances during one’s up-bringing, but different people are also more or less sensitive from the beginning. Some do not care at all what others think, while others are more easily influenced.
Feeling different, excluded and comparing oneself to others
A factor that can affect self-esteem is the amount of kinship one feels with family or the people in one’s surroundings. If everyone except oneself, for example, loves sports, it can lead to feelings of being misunderstood, which in turn can lead to weaker self-esteem. Other things that can have a negative effect on self-esteem are:
- feeling excluded or being bullied
- being unemployed
- having a hard time deciding what choices to make in life, for example regarding education or profession
- having poor psychological health with feelings of, for example, anxiety or depression
- often comparing oneself to peers or successful people in the media. The more one demands of oneself –- excelling at everything, being attractive, being popular –- the harder it gets to achieve these things and feel content
Self-esteem is not always obvious from the outside
It is hard for others to tell how another person feels about themselves. A person who appears to be the picture of success: attractive, successful in school or at work, many friends, may really have poor self-esteem and feel inadequate.
